On Anger and Dreamless Thoughts
by Rockcrab
Summary: Dr. Banner's thoughts as he tries to fall asleep tend to wander in circles of reflection and contemplation. Possible spoliers for the movie 'The Avengers' if you haven't seen it yet.


Author's Note: Just a little thing a wrote up for Mr. Banner. I had originally written something about half as long for an application to an RP last week and I decided to add onto it and post it as a sort of short internal reflection-like story. If you like it, fantastic- I'm glad to have entertained you for a couple minutes, at least. If you don't like it, I apologize for wasting your time.

Disclaimer: I clearly do not own the persona of Mr. Banner.

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On Anger and Dreamless Thoughts

Anger was such a very diverse term. On the one hand it was his downfall, but on the other it was his control. Anger made it possible to control himself and his transformations, to monitor how angry he got and to avoid that other guy coming out and destroying everything in his path... and yet, anger and pain were what made him come out.

Bruce Banner often contemplated this concept late at night, as he was trying to sleep. One of his greatest fears was having that other guy come out while he was sleeping, induced by a dream. There were so many things to dream about... so many horrible things and ideas that could set him off. It hadn't yet happened, but the idea scared him even if he wasn't sure that it could happen. No one understood the horror one felt when they woke up somewhere else among rubble and ruins, not remembering anything. Did someone die? How much damage had he caused? Would he be held accountable by the government? Did the government even know? He didn't want to hurt anybody. He never wanted to hurt anybody, did he?

Well, maybe he had. That Gamma Bomb would have killed anyone else, wouldn't it of? Why had he not been murdered by his own weapon of mass destruction? As time passed, he was realizing that his work had been nothing more than a governmental need to have more murderous weapons. He should have died in that test. He didn't... and it haunted him. Instead of merely dying for what could have been crimes against humanity, he was paying dearly for them by half sacrificing his person and almost losing his stability…

And what was he doing now? Treating fever patients in some third world city? There was no way that this would undo all the wrongs he could have done; the wrongs that he _had_ done. He had originally thought he was doing something great, magnificent, worthy of praise, but... upon reflection; he had just been another pawn in the arms race. Perhaps the accident had been God's way of forcing his work to stop then- well, if he believed in God. That whole concept was a bit difficult for him to grasp- he was a scientific man, and therefore needed proof of such a being.

There he went again. Mr. Banner mentally scolded himself. That was the sort of thing he need not dwell on before bed. What if he dreamed about it? What if he relived saving that teenager and the detonation and suddenly transformed into that other guy in his sleep and ravaged and murdered everyone in the village and-

'_Bruce, you must calm yourself down...stop thinking about it..._'

It was very easy to get mad at himself. Most of the time, that was where his constant anger was drawn from: himself. The things that he had done and the people he had hurt in the past. It was almost amusing to him, the irony of the situation: using his past wrongs to control himself and to keep others safe.

Well, safe to an extent. The secret was being angry, but the part that still eluded Banner at times was just how angry he needed to be. It wasn't something someone could experiment with lightly. He was learning to deal with the other guy that lived within his mentality, sure, and it was possible to influence him to do good and to semi-control his actions if he was called upon properly. Unfortunately, it wasn't always that easy to keep the right amount of anger. If something spiked his adrenaline levels- terror, assault or pain, anger or annoyance that was above his normal… that was where the danger lied.

It had been such a let down to lose control on the flying ship. It had been a year without an incident. An entire _year_. Though, he had to admit that he was happy to have gotten away for a while and, honestly, it hadn't even been that bad working with everyone for once. Most of all, it had been nice to make acquaintance with Tony Stark. The man was arrogant and shrewd and risky, but this made him treat Bruce like he would treat just about anyone else. It had been something that Banner himself had not even realized that he had been longing for… someone to treat him like his 'condition' wasn't anything special or out of the ordinary.

_But enough of that..._

Banner was tired. He really needed to sleep, but lately the dreaming issue had been bothering him more and more. He'd started to dream more frequently the less he slept and the more he dwelt on the subject of it. The whole ordeal had become a constant struggle. Early on in his concern, he had thought that the best solution was not sleeping until he was so tired that it was impossible to dream at all when he did fall asleep, but that proved to be completely wrong as not sleeping made him quite a bit more irritable and quick to over anger...

After much contemplation, it had occurred to him to wake up every hour during the night to interrupt his sleep and not allow for REM sleep, where most people had their dreams. It would not halt the risk, as sometimes dreams occurred during other sorts of sleep, but it would significantly lower it. In this way, he got just enough sleep to look as tired as a man could be, but aware enough to keep a level head.

Bruce sighed, unable to sleep. He reached over and turned off his alarm clock, giving up on the concept for the time being. His mind had simply kept on thinking far too much to allow him the luxury.

That had always been his downfall, hadn't it? Thinking too much...


End file.
